Monday, January 05, 2004
Retreat Reflection
I was away these couple of days because of my church's winter retreat. I have been to many many retreats before, but this is the one that i felt i really gained something practical, not just some spiritual high that comes once per year. here's a list of what i've learned this winter retreat, and a little of my testimony as well.
For those who knows me, you all know that i'm a Pastor's kid. Being around church all my life, grew up with amazing bible stories, hearing them for 20+ or more times. They say PKs usually turn out two different way: very good, or very bad. Very good because they understand God's work in their parents' life, and live according with it, helping out his/her parents. the other kind is the very bad, those kids who doesn't understand at the same time felt they have to be fake around church to up-held a certain "rep" that their household must have. Again, for those who knows me, you can probably tell I belong to "the good" rather than "the bad". There's no arrogance in these words, but i feel that this is the way i am.
The retreat's title is "slaying the giant", referring to the different obstacles, giants that we may have in life, and the speaker have specific giants that God told him were necessary to tell us. I have received different things with each messages. One of the message was "Giant: the Spirit of Religion; Weapon: being intimate with God". Being intimate with God. The message was about being close to God, listening to God's message. The Spirit of Religion was a giant. For many of us, church has become just somewhere we go, we go there, we sing songs, we do this and do that, all church stuff, we do these, without knowing who God really is, we're just going through the motion. we know about God, but we dont know God Having a personal relationship with God is very very important, being intimate with Him is necessary. Without getting to know the Lord, you cannot be in front of Him. As the retreat speaker (his name is Ty) spoke and as I listened i was thinking to myself, am I really intimate with God? I grew up in church, hear stories and was baptized, accepted him, but am I really close to Him? am I initmate with Him? I'm a person who thinks a whole lot and there are a lot of doubts that i have in my heart. For those people who said "I used to be a person who used drug, and God change me through this this this", "i was a depressed sad person, but God worked in my life this this this", "I was hurt from a divorced familiy, but God changed me through this this this". These are the life-changing experiences that many people have. As a pastor's kid, as one who is always around God, and as i grew up longed to be closer to God, I kinda wanted this kind of experience, this life-changing experience, but in many ways i noe whatever i will experience will not be something that dramatic, to me i longed for the experience because you can just feel the Lord so real, 'He's right there!!! To experience Him this real, to experience Him in such a powerful way, i longed for that. "Where is my life-changing experience?" for those who have these experience will definitely say "NO NO NO NO NO... you dont want that... God has blessed you so much, being able to be born in a Pastor's family and be at the minimum around God constantly is a BLESSING, how i wish i can have ur luck." and i understand that fully, it is a blessing, but my heart felt different. I mean, I search for God, i have a hunger for Him, and i serve in church not out of obligation but of willingness, i dont think it's something bothersome to do, i play guitar and lead worship, and feels God around me when my fellowship worship, still i wondered, am I really close to God? I cried out to God as Ty was speaking, "Lord am I really close to you? am i really experiencing you?" it was a hunger that i had. As i doubted and as i questioned myself and God something hit me. God spoke to me. I can doubt all i want, questions all i want, but there is one thing that i cannot doubt: that im'doubting and i'm asking GOD about it. If God is not there, if the Lord isn't with me, i can't even ask him directly, but i am. That realization set in. No matter how much i doubt, no matter how much i self-question, God is there with me, all i have to do is to reach out to Him. As i serve in church, do various things, reading my Bible, i noe that if i reach out, God will be there, accepting me for who i am, for that doubting self, for that self-questioning self, God loves me, and want to be intimate with me. Thank you Lord. I realize that I dont need the life-changing experience to be close to God. Thank you Lord, for allowing me to not need such a dramatic life changing experience to be close to you, to experience You.
Another testimony: The first retreat msg, which wasn't being intimate with God, was God's burning love. Once again, i wanted to experience more of him. As Ty was speaking, telling the story of the lost son and dubbing it a wonderful story which relfect God's love, I became introspective (yet again). All these stories are wonderful, but to me so old, i prayed to God that i can dust off the cowwebs of my knowledge and lemme experience the real truth, see the real light of those wonderful treasure. As i prayed to God and wanting to experience more of Him, once again God speaks to me. I serve in church, I helped out in church, I read my bible and searchs out to God, and yes, in donig all of these I experience God. However, that's as far as it gets to, i can only gain so much and I realize i desired so much more. That was when i realize that i must go out and DO MORE for God to EXPERIENCE Him more like the way i wanted to. I said to the Lord that just use me and my God-given gift and my ability and take me to places, to serve You more. Lord i want to serve you more, to do more, to go out and just experience you through experiences, through missions, through whatever that you call me to do. I thank God for speaking to me like that. I feel that i needed something like that so desparately, because i'm a PK, and i can say for many of PKs, they wonder about what God have for them, because they're so near God (not spiritually, but around church like that) that when it comes to being close to God, knowing God's will, it's really hard, i dont know how to explain it... it's just very different for people of my background to be "my life was changed, and God's calling was so clear for me when he spoke to me....."
Lastly, another thing that i have learned. The retreat was such a treat from God, so much peace, so much spiritual food, and that made me realize all that's going on before, some people had trouble coming, all these are the devil's work. Before the retreat and as the retreat was comiing, i thought about maybe it's God's will that this happened, some people canno come and some people had to stay behind because God has some plan for them. I was dead-wrong. All these are just devil's plan to attack the retreat, and i faltered... next time i will try, no matter what, to bring people to the reatreat, because it's a spiritual battle when someone experience something like this. the wonderfulness (is that a word?) of the retreat made me realize how much i regret for some of my friends to miss it... i regret deeply.
this is quite the long entry, but i feel it's worth it.
Oh God let us be, a generation that seeks, that seeks your glory Lord.
posted by Samuel on 11:08 PM
|
